This is a Journal from 5/8/18.
Have you ever experienced the rubble? The place where the dirt and rocks lay. Motionless. At the bottom. I have. I did. And in it was in that place, where I saw it all. My accomplishments. My hopes and dreams. Smashed. Crushed. Everything in that moment becomes a discombobulated mess. Your heart sinks. Your hands fall. You are filled with despair and emptiness.
If you sit in the rubble long enough, you begin to examine what is truly around you. The smashed dreams. The broken accomplishments. And you begin to see it all as empty. You begin to wonder, how in the world all of this seemingly upheld your life for so long. How in the world did I survive in this mess? Because even though the walls just collapsed, the beams were shaky to begin with.
My life was based in likes and dislikes. My heart hung on the atta boys and the well done’s. My mind was obsessed with new information and being the best. My walls were shaky. My foundation was iffy. It is a surprise that my life didn’t collapse sooner. But a little sod here and a little plaster there kept me going. It kept me sane, or so I thought. These are things I have to do to survive I thought. So a little bit of this here and then a little bit there. I was trying to survive. In my mind, I thought I was steadying the broken edges, when in reality I was putting acid into the cracks of my life. I was breaking myself down further, when in my mind, I thought I was sealing the cracks. The crevices.
Thank Jesus in His grace, He let the walls continue to weaken, until one day they crumbled. Because until they crumbled, until they fell, there was no hope for me. There was no hope until I saw the rubble piled up in a heap. It was then, and only then, after minutes, hours, and days, sitting in the pile of rubble that I realized that this was a good thing.
Sure, I tried to pile the rubble back up and try to move forward, but really what I need Jesus to do now, is to sweep this pile of rubble away, and let’s get to a solid foundation. A foundation not built on how many likes I get on Instagram, or how many friends I have, or whether or not I have a girlfriend, or a wife, or acceptance by many. No, what I need this foundation to be on is one that is stronger than subjectiveness. One that is stronger than feelings and emotions. One that is not fickle, or not storm protected. What I need is a foundation that is built on who I am in Jesus.
That foundation is not shaky. That foundation is good. And stable. And life giving. And life preserving. And hopeful. Not hopeless. Or fearful. Or selfish. So Jesus. I ask you. Help me to examine the pieces of this rubble, learn from it, and replace it God with who you say that I am. I am not building something new from the old. I have been given new materials. And yeah, these materials are difficult to understand. Difficult to put into practice. Difficult to sit with and not escape. But these are the materials that will build something new into my life. New choices. New results. New thoughts. New actions. New everything. Jesus build my life anew.