The Precipice of Freedom

I stand on the precipice of freedom. I can see it. I can taste it. I can feel it. It’s right there in front of me. All I have to do is reach out and grab it. Take hold of it. To do this though, I have to let go. To let go of my backup plans, and my comfortable miseries. I have to give up the addiction. But for some reason, I can’t. I see all the good out in front of me, but still I hold onto what lies behind. I stand at the precipice of the mountain of freedom seeing the good and the holy and the right and the peace right there, but for some reason, I am stuck. I am stuck in fear and anxiety. I am stuck in addiction and the lusts of my flesh. I am holding onto Jesus, my master, but I’m still holding onto my flesh, my other master. I despise my flesh and the sins that have brought me so much guilt and agony.

It is insanity! To see the good in front of me, but to not be able to let go of the past behind me, the present state. It is insanity that I would choose comfortable misery over a life of peace and righteousness. A life of comfort and wholeness, but this is where I find myself. At the precipice. All the layers of my sin and cycle mostly aware to me. Stripped away of all rationalizations and here I stand between the choices. The choices between life and death. What will I choose? How do I choose? My brain hurts from the thoughts and anxieties. I will suffer either way. But to suffer for good would be worth it.

What will it gain me to give into my fleshly desires? Nothing. A mere pleasure filled vapor of a life that will be gone in an instant, and I will have wasted it on fleeting pleasures and empty trinkets. But if i choose Jesus, and dive headlong off the precipice, even though there will be suffering, it will be worth it. My gifts and talents that were chosen for me by God will be used for His glory and even in the midst of the fight of the struggle I will be able to say that I am blessed to have suffered for my Savior.

So here I stand. I stand at the precipice of life, joy, peace, and comfort. I stand here frozen, paralyzed, frustrated, and upset. Upset that even though my rational mind and spirit know the correct answers, as I continue to make my choices, I continue to succumb to the latter. To the same. And the same continues to happen. And it shouldn’t surprise me. I’m not desperate for love, but I act as though I am. I act as though if I give up this part, then my world will crumble, and I will cease to exist. That I won’t have friends. That I won’t be able to stand it. But that’s just not true. I can deal with this kind of suffering.

So here I stand. At the precipice. Seeing the goodness in front of me, feeling the miseries of the present, and knowing what choice I have to make. I sympathize with lot’s wife. Running back to Sodom and Gomorrah even as it is being destroyed. And she is destroyed with it. Will i continue to run back to the ruins and the destruction, or will i turn away and never look back? This is the pressing question as I stand here at the precipice between life and destruction.

Image result for standing on the edge
Picture taken from: http://www.depressionarmy.com/ourblog/2017/11/21/standing-on-the-edge-looking-down-hope-after-the-worst-of-depression

Blessings.

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