The Monster Within

As I sit here, you are there. You are always there. You keep pushing and pushing. Nagging. Tempting. Whispering. Luring. “Come enjoy me” you say. “Come be with me for awhile”. You say you won’t hurt me. You say you won’t have me stay long. But the more and more that I deny you and rest in Jesus, the more you roar within me. Appease me! You bellow in the deeps of my spirit. You run amuck in my thoughts! You are the caged animal within.

I can hear your scream as you rattle the cage that Jesus has placed you in. You scream louder and louder. You jump back and forth. Look at me. Look at me. Escape, escape, escape. Let go. Stop fighting. This is your chorus.

I used to be afraid of you. You used to weigh me down. But the more and more that you rattle your cage and scream within me, the more and more that I know, that you are going away. For good. I just have to keep moving. One hour. One day at a time. Denying you. Renouncing you.

Pipe down, you caged animal! Shut up, you fantasy! Leave me alone, you escape! You don’t fix me. You wreck me.

Yes, even though I desire deeply to let you out, i have a greater desire that overcomes you. My desire to live. My desire to be known truly, and not to escape into nothingness.

You promise that if I let you out, then you will be good. You promise that you won’t ruin everything and destroy me, but you are not trustworthy. You have told me this same lie. Over and over again. And I have believed you. Time and time again. I have let you out and you have not been good. Because how can sin be good? How can sin be controlled? How can sin be tamed?

You can’t. And you won’t. It’s about time that i saw you for what you were. Death. Destruction. Addiction. Chains. You are the roaring lion, the fire that engulfs. You are the all consuming raging whirlwind of disaster and death.

I will not be controlled by you anymore. You can scream for attention. And I may desire to let you out. But I can’t and I won’t. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I will move forward to newness. Jesus is suffocating you, you beast. He is breaking the bones of your existence. He is snapping them like twigs. He is killing you. But you already know that.

You can harrass me. Torment me. Lie to me. Scream at me for attention. For Now. One day though, you will scream no more. Jesus has defeated you oh monster within. Oh monster within, your end days are coming. Where you will no longer harrass the hurting, the broken, the bleeding.

On that day, we who are bloody faced and black eyed will approach the throne of grace and be forever free from you. Forever free to love and be loved. Forever free from the shame, guilt, and hurts that cascade our lives and thoughts now. Forever free from you and your lies. Forever free to be whole with Jesus.

Yes monster. You are there now. But so is Jesus. He is with me. Always. And Forever.

When you scream within the pits of my soul to be released, Jesus is there, with his hand on my shoulder.

When you bombard my thoughts in the middle of the night, He is there comforting me and encouraging me.

As my entire body convulses within me because I desire you SO MUCH, He is there to settle me. To calm me. To comfort me.

You can’t control me anymore.

Oh monster within me, that used to bring so much terror, and such unsettledness.

Please speak up. I can’t hear you.

For Jesus has muzzled your roar.

Image result for Lion roaring in the dark
Picture taken from: http://animal-jam-clans.wikia.com/wiki/File:811165-animals-black-and-white-dark-grayscale-lions-roar-selective-coloring-yellow-eyes.jpg

Blessings.

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