The Inadequate Musings of a Future Pastor

/ hopepurpose
I constantly feel the pressure to be strong, to not crack, or fall down. I feel like so many people expect so much of me since I have been brought out of a great darkness and an even deeper pit. I feel like others expect wisdom and leadership constantly from me. But I can’t live up to these expectations. I am inadequate, I don’t deserve to be in the places I have been placed. I am human. Even in times of struggle all I want to do is control it, stop it, fix it, but instead, God asks for me to be still and just let Him hold me. These are the inadequate musings of a future pastor.

This weekend God hit me hard with some real convictions. First, he showed me I had been trying to disregard His plan for my life and do it my own way, once again. He showed me that this gift He had given me, of expositing the Bible, and teaching His Word, because of my inadequacies, I had doubted His plan.

Being in a hermeneutics class with people that have been Christians for years has been intimidating. Because of my intimidation and my supposed inadequacies, I have not put forth the effort that has been needed. Instead of working even harder, I became lazy, and I also chose a new path, Christian counseling. While this is a good path, it is not the “best” path. The best path is the one that makes me feel out of control, the best path makes me scared and fearful that I will put in a place to lead believers and teach them what the Word of God says for their lives. That’s scary. It seems like a task that I’m not capable of doing. And that’s absolutely right. On my own, I am incapable. But I’m not on my own.

So, I begin down this path to becoming a future pastor and leader of God’s people, teaching them and expositing His Word in a manner that glorifies Him.

Also this week has been full of struggles. It feels like my past finally woke up and decided it was time to antagonize my life once more. And all I’ve wanted to do is control. Put blocks on my computer, get rid of facebook, chain myself to a wall. At least then, after taking all the cautionary methods, I would feel safe, from myself. If let out, if allowed to run wild, I am an uncontrollable monster that can’t be stopped, that can’t be contained. And I’m so afraid of what that would be like, again. So I try to control it and I focus on it.

God says to do this instead:

“Come and see what the Lord has done,<sup class="crossreference" value="(AD)”>
    the desolations<sup class="crossreference" value="(AE)”> he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars<sup class="crossreference" value="(AF)”> cease
    to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow<sup class="crossreference" value="(AG)”> and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields with fire.<sup class="crossreference" value="(AH)”>
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;<sup class="crossreference" value="(AI)”>
    I will be exalted<sup class="crossreference" value="(AJ)”> among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”
The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob<sup class="crossreference" value="(AK)”> is our fortress.” (Psalm 46:8-11).
 
Sometimes all we can see in the middle of the storm is the waves and all we can hear is the booming and blasting, but God wants us to remember He is there. He wants us to just let go, stop trying to control, and let Him be God. Its a hard concept for me, but it is one that I am learning, nonetheless.
 
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Blessings,
Joseph.

 

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